Lenten Journal (Thurs Feb 23rd): Fear
Dear Lord,
I think that I’m going to start writing these to You, now, because I don’t want them to be just about me - they necessarily will have to be, since they’re about my journey. But more important than my journey is the fact that my steps will be made with You by my side.
Lord, I’m scared. And to make it worse, I’m scared of myself, and I’m scared of things that haven’t even threatened to happen, yet. I shouldn’t be scared of anything - You are here, You carry me, You hold my hand close in Yours. I’m your daughter, your little girl, your princess, and you are my Father, my God, my King. What girl can be scared, with her Father’s arms around her? Yet still, I worry.
They’re silly fears, Father. They really are. I fear the things of the earth, even though I know that they can’t really touch me.
I worry that no man will ever love me. I’m eighteen, Father - I’m still so young, still such a child. This shouldn’t worry me. Not to mention I know that You are ordering my path, my future. If there’s someone for me out there, You will send us together. So why do I worry that we will never meet? And I worry that I’m not where I’m supposed to be, even though I think I have to be, since You are the one who put me here. All of these doubts, Father, they swirl and swim in my head, they drive me to distraction. They hinder my relationships, Father, with You and with other people.
I’m scared that I’m not doing all that I should be doing. For my faith, for my education, for my relationships, for You. And I’m trying, Lord, I’m trying so hard.
I’m scared of my depression. I hate that it can take possession of me the way it sometimes does. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to like myself. I’m just scared of so much, and it makes no sense.
I know that You understand fear, Lord. And I know that You’re bigger than any fear, and that you’ve made me sturdy and sure, able to weather any storm. And I have weathered many storms, with You by my side. Lord, help me to not let my fears take hold. Let me remember Your strength when I feel too weak to continue. Help me to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But more than that, Lord, help me to help other people know that, too. So many people hate themselves, and so cannot find it in themselves to be kind to others. Use me as a beacon, Lord. Let me bring light, if I can. Let even just the smallest smile help someone. You know how much I love the sunshine, the light and warmth of Your sun’s beams. Help me to BE one, Lord. To be a spot of sunshine, like the beam of Your sun I basked in, today. Help me to help other’s fears. And if that helps me to kill my own fears, so be it. Help me, Lord, but help me to help them even more. Everyone has You, Lord, but not everyone knows it…or refuses to admit it. Send me to them, Lord, even if their sadness and the meanness that may come with it hurts me. It will make me uncomfortable, Lord, but so be it - if it is Your will, let it be. And I will do the best I can, with Your strength as my armor, sword, and shield.
I love you, Lord. Be my Light during Lent, and guide me forward on this journey. You, who makes all things new, create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
All of my love, all of me,
Your daughter
#Lent #personal
